Today wasn’t a good day. It was a bad one, to say the least. There’s just so much going on, and with everything in my head, I wasn’t able to play with my student.
Still, work is work, and I had a few hours with her. As I held her hand and stared into space blankly, she went about her usual business, eating stuff off the floor and throwing toys around. I tried to smile, and I tried to do silly things with her like I usually do to make her laugh, but I couldn’t. It’s one of those days.
People can be amazing, and people can be nice, but not all of them, and not all the time. This wasn’t one of those days. No positive vibes here. Everything sucks, and as I sat there feeling like my whole world is crashing around me while I’m stuck at work surrounded by children, screaming and laughing in the background, I realized a few things. I had some thoughts.
I wished my life was as simple as play time, snack time, and nap time. We crave for meaning but with it comes complications. People complicate things. As I sat beside my student, my mind drifted to nicer places. I looked into her eyes and she couldn’t grasp any of it. Empathy was not her strongest trait. I kinda wish I didn’t feel so much. I wish we could trade places, but then I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. My afflictions are my own to keep.
It was unbearable. Every bit of me wanted to disappear to somewhere else. A beach, maybe. A nice quiet spot with nobody but me. I need the space, and I need the time away from these people and these things.
I’m broken. Wired in all the wrong ways. I used to think I was socially awkward, but it was only recently that I realized it’s a lot more than that. I’m broken, and nobody wants to be around broken people, especially those that can’t be fixed. In their eyes, we’ll never be worth anything.
In those hours, all I knew was that I had to get out. I needed to.
Sometimes I do wish I was ‘normal’, I admit. I wish I had friends like other people do. I wish I had a strong social support circle and people who would be there for me when I most needed them. I don’t. Partly because I’m not an easy person to love, and also because I’m just not the kind of person who would say “hey, I need you now”. I tend to make plans with people when things go bad, but I never really talk about my problems. That too doesn’t happen all that often, because people never have time anymore these days.
I’m so tired. I’ve been walking and walking in the footsteps of all these supposedly ‘normal’ people, trying to build a life like they have, but it gets so difficult sometimes. It gets so tiring trying to fit myself into a world that belongs to them. It’s their world, and I’m just a visitor at the door.
There really isn’t any deep or hidden meaning behind this post. Writing just makes me feel better, especially on days like these. Maybe somewhere across the world someone else feels the same way I do. Maybe it’s you, reading this. Maybe if gather enough people like us, we wouldn’t feel so broken anymore. We could change the world. We could build a better world- one that we could really call ours, and for once, truly belong. Maybe.
But today, all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry, and that’s okay. It’s okay to have feelings. It’s okay to be sad for a while. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to be you, every once in a while. Just breathe.