People who truly know me know that I absolutely abhor people who break promises. I also take pride in ensuring to the best of my ability that I keep my word. Even though I have siblings, I never really grew up with them because of the vast age difference we have. To (over)compensate for that, I find people throughout my life who I would accept as family. ‘Best friends’, a loosely used term used by almost everyone. To me, these people make or break me. I seek them for comfort, for support, for encouragement, and I would do the same for them without a single hesitation.
Two years ago, I found someone that I thought fit that description. When she called me saying she wanted to mend things with her girlfriend, I was at the dentist waiting my turn. I said I’d cancel my plans and be there in ten minutes. We drove for over an hour, and when they were talking, I patiently waited in the car for over three hours… up until the point I had to go to the little girls’ room. When she texted me she was sick, I rocked up to her apartment with goodies for her cold. She did those things for me too.
Our relationship rocketed so fast. Too fast. Within three months, we already knew intimate details of each other’s lives that no one else but our own best friends did. In that moment we knew. I knew she was now part of my family. Months later we decided to move in together. I broke my lease at my apartment to live with her because I wanted to spend all that time with my new family. Little did I know, it would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life.
People say that the farther you fly, the harder you fall. I had to learn that first hand. Things went swell for the first few months together. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I moved in with her, and her partner. I had no problem with the dynamic, except for, I didn’t know what the fine line was. Me, being the supportive person I want to be, would slowly pull away from her because I want them to spend the time together as partners. I mean, they are a relatively new couple, and shit, I thought I did the right thing. She noticed this and I guess over time, took it as me hating being the third wheel. Sure, I didn’t help joking about it. Or rather, she thought I was bitching about her on fb, when really, it was about somebody else. In response to that, she once, no, a couple times, told me that if I didn’t like it, I should move out. Tried to explain that it wasn’t about her and I still apologized about it. Why do I always try to please her? Yeah, apparently the world revolves around her.
Fast forward a year, she texted me saying that (I’m paraphrasing) I no longer meet her needs. Now, in that span of a year, I have had emotional ups and downs, confused as fuck as to what I am to her. I loved her so much that it hurt me to my core when she began treating me like a stranger. I became depressed, I became suicidal. I had horrible coping skills, clearly. If you remember my past posts, I got over that shit. And it really helped me get over her bullshit the day she deleted me off Facebook end February.
She said demeaning things about me to me, lowered my self-esteem, made me feel so small. It was easy for her because she already knew my weaknesses. And hell, I let her.
Now, I’m not saying she’s a bad person. She just has a personality disorder *coughnarcissisticcough* that isn’t compatible with mine. Not gon lie, I’m probably borderline as fuck though lol. She wants, no, needs everyone to think her as number one. For a part of my life, she was. It was hard for me to accept that because I had promised her always. But I had to learn that some people aren’t worth it. The pain and suffering I had went through for over a year somehow didn’t bear red flags to me because I was so blinded by my own principle. Just to paint a picture, I quit my first therapist because she said the root of my issues was this person. Yeah, I was THAT blinded by love. Although, I have to say that her partner is the perfect fit because of her personality disorder *coughdependentcough*. Not quoting Justin Bieber (or am I?) but my mother didn’t like her, and she really does like everyone (and I still defended her from my own mum!).
What I’m saying is, sometimes it’s alright to shit all over your own morals if in the end, it is for the betterment of your well-being. It took me a long while to realize that. And I had help with my other best friends who have been my family for over a decade. I’m also proud to say that I’m so much happier now that I recognize this. And I’m finally able to move out, and start anew. If any one of you is going through this, don’t feel guilty about it. OWN IT.
And you know what? FUCK IT. I was quoting JB because this song is exactly how I feel about her. LOL. But hey, no hard feelings. We gain some, we lose some, but we always learn.