Time is flying, as it always does. I feel like I’m just drifting along in life, passing through without really making a mark. It makes me feel quite..temporary. It makes other people and other things feel the same.
A lot of things are changing so quickly that it’s hard to hold on to anything, or anyone. Every time I take a step forward, I take a half-step backwards, because I’m afraid. A part of me knows how people are.
I don’t like the noise. I like quiet. I like being alone, and feeling safe. I like not having to care about what people think. I don’t want to have these pointless mental rehearsals over and over- I just want to be me. I want people to love me for who I am, but that’s not easy. I’m not easy to love. I’m a difficult person, I’ll admit. So many have come, and tried, and left.
I’m just not the kind of person that people would miss in a crowd. People may remember me after I’m gone, or after they’ve left, but not always for good reasons.
I don’t always know what I want, really. A part of me gets sad when people don’t care, but a part of me just wants to be left alone. I like taking some time off on my birthday to just be with myself, and think about things. I like taking that one special day out of every year to have a long talk with myself.
It gives me time to evaluate my actions, my thoughts, and my feelings. Truth is, I evaluate these things everyday, whether I like it or not. I judge myself the harshest, it seems. I give myself shit for doing or saying certain things, like being overly eager or cracking one too many jokes. It reeks of desperation, I tell myself. Just be quiet next time. Just do your own thing, as you always have. Just be you and let them be them.
But I want to try. At least, a part of me does. I want to try to be someone that people might learn to value, and treasure, and perhaps love. I’ll try. I deserve that much.