Hold on.

hold-on-01

Hold on, she said. His eyes, now empty, and his spirit broken.

Once upon a time she saw him. She’d look into his eyes for hours on end and she could see, even if only a glimpse, the life that he had once lived. A life beyond common understanding. A life that transcended the concept of time. A life that was lived before he lived.

Growing up, he had difficulties understanding people. He took issue with caring for these beings that walk and talk as humans do. He had to learn to fit in. He had to learn to walk and talk as they do. Yet inside, he had already figured it all out. He would and could never be one of them. An entire lifetime awaited him, a life of nothing more than misunderstanding and doubt. If but only one person cared enough to listen. To really listen. It would all be better. Not perfect, but better.

Hold on, she said, let go of the fear, have a little faith. A shallow tear trickles down her cheek, not his. He feels nothing, at least, not anymore.

He would look for companionship among the quiet ones. The ones that were subject to ridicule, just like he was. The rejects. He found comfort among them, for a little while. Yet a time soon came where they too realized that he was different. Not different like a light shining bright among fading stars. Not different, like the ivory glazed tooth among pearls. Not even weird enough for the weirdos. Just different.

An affliction he was born into. Steps were taken to try and understand people and mostly himself. A life with so much misunderstanding that he would soon forsake the only thing that ever made him feel like there was and always would be hope. Writing. He picks up his words and throws them into the abyss. They mean nothing. They too, are empty, just like he is. There is no sense in screaming, if the people around him are wired differently, or rather, he is.

Caring was not something he had to learn. Caring was in his heart, his soul. He would care for people more than they deserved, more than he should have. He would often be misconstrued, but still he did. He would care for people in the ways that only he understood and appreciated. He would try, to love.

Hold on, she whispered, if only for me. He is silent, not only in speech and movement, but in thought. He is silent.

Life would later teach him a hard lesson – that you cannot love everyone. Not you, not the way you do. They would take steps away from him, mocking him. The same feelings that once brought hope now brought nothing but misery and pain. He is ashamed of who he is. The world had bested him, time and time again.

Yet, he cannot leave. He sits and waits for a sign, a sparkle, a raindrop, anything. Nothing. The unforgiving night sky appeared to mock him too. Hope was nowhere to be found.

He sits alone, for the first time in a long time, feeling more alone than he usually felt. Another one bites the dust, he thought to himself.

He digs deep within his soul, desperately trying to find something to hold on to. Something that would give meaning to everything that he had ever done, felt and thought. He comes up empty handed, just like the world. Maybe in a different world, he mumbles to himself. Maybe in a different world, he would be someone, something. Someone that would matter. Someone that people could find within themselves to love, and care for. Someone who would not have to try so hard to get people to understand. Someone, who would find someone.

Not in this lifetime. There would be no ringing church bells, no singing birds and no cheery crowd of loved ones. Not in his life, and not at his wake. There would be nobody.

He is tired. So tired of explaining, so tired of trying to justify his feelings. A lost cause. A fool’s errand was what it was. Where does it end? They would never see. Not the colors, not the smiles that he so desired, not the laughter that he had only ever heard once. Laughter, everywhere, around him, at him, but not the kind he needed, the kind that he had only heard once, some many years ago. The kind that he had, before the world took him.

There would be no more. No hope of ever fulfilling these foolish desires.

But hold on, she says. Hold on.

Why? They would all leave, eventually. If you cannot be like them. If you cannot be the person they want you to be. If…you are you.

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