In Wonderland

The highs and lows that I face makes me feel like I’m a disgrace
To myself, my family, my friends, I’m sick of this phase
This place in my head makes me want to explode
Makes me want to expose all the anger I wrote
My past, my present, they represent who I am
But I cannot feel at home for the life of me I’m mad
Too many moments alone, this is lonely and sad
But I’m glad for my weakness is my strength
I have to go through hell and back, and then some
Just to make myself think that my rage has won
But I don’t know why I have to do this to myself
Time and again, I fall deep and I can’t help myself
I’m attracted to pain, it’s like I don’t remember what good times are
People tell me I’m too hard on myself but how can I not when happiness seems far
In the distance I can feel like but I can’t grab on to it
Slipping from my hands like my brain is not built
To grasp the concept of hope and faith or love and fate
I’m anchored to the bottom of the ocean filled with regret
For everything I’ve ever felt and the words I should have said
I’m twenty four and I have nothing to show for it
I’m educated, got money, but unfulfilled
Friends I loved have left and it feels like I’m at fault
They break my heart, their promises, shouldn’t I be appalled?
Distance makes the heart grow fonder some people say
Doesn’t it make you ponder when you lose your way?
I see the people I love around me be loved in return
That special feeling, that significant other that I yearn
That envy I feel everytime an unknown couple embraces each other
Am I so disgusting that I can’t find a guy that feels like summer?
I’m not the prettiest tool in the shed, I cringe when I look at myself
I pick at every bulge I own, it’s like I’m my very own wrath
I feel like I am inadequate when I look at other people my age
I don’t understand why I’m comparing myself to my them but I’m the worst case
Scenario when I think about how my life was planned
Would have been married in a year, have kids, be happy with my man
Now he’s with some other girl and I tried so hard to get over it
I lie to myself when I say I’m over things
Sometimes it feels like I no longer have a purpose in living
I struggle to smile when I know I can’t shake this feeling