Here to stay.


My mind goes to dark places at times. Places where thoughts that belong down up rise above the surface just long enough to pull me down with them.

Thoughts that get me down indefinitely. Thoughts that destroy me on the inside and make me want to tear everything apart on the outside. Thoughts that, I admit, I sometimes wish I could disown.

I try to keep a positive outlook on life. I do. Like every good person I’ve ever met has told me to. Yet, these thoughts, they’re relentless. They’re a constant reminder of everything that is wrong. I’ve always felt like I grew up too quick and having spent a lot of my younger years watching and observing others, I’ve seen more than most.

And so the cycle begins. I’ve been branded as perpetually negative, cynical, ’emo’, and probably a whole lot of other adjectives that I couldn’t care to acknowledge. I’ve been told that I would never get through life being the way that I am. I’ve spent so much time crafting masks, trying and trying to fit in at every stage of my life. I’ve done some pretty desperate things in an attempt to fit in, really. What I’ve come to realize is that in my desperation, I tend to overdo it. I would come across as over enthusiastic and flaky. I’m crushed, but I pick myself up and I move on. I’ve tried to be so many people that I feel like I’ve lived the lives of so many others.

I guess I got tired of it all after the people that I trusted to be there for me turned their backs on me when I needed them. Cliche as it may sound, I stood on my on two feet and decided that I would endeavor never to need someone that way again. While this is still very much in the realms of wishful thinking and even as the stark introvert that I am, I do still crave social interaction from time to time. I have, however, decreased the need of and reliance on others.

As for my thoughts, well, they’re a part of me and they’re definitely here to stay. They make me who I am. They, along with my experiences, allow me to connect with people in the rare occurrences that I actually do. I see through the tiny cracks in the masks of others and I am drawn to the ones that struggle. The ones that are broken inside and are too afraid to show it. The ones who would later tell me that it is so hard to keep smiling and perhaps, also sharing my disdain for the ones that are always smiling. With all that is wrong with the world today, being always happy just isn’t right so cut that shit already.

Having been able to see through most people growing up, I’ve nurtured a strong tolerance for superficiality. I’ve been smiling and smiling and smiling for years but this shit has got to stop someday, because I’m slipping. My masks aren’t holding up as well as they used to and it’s going to spell trouble, if it hasn’t already. A large chunk of people I used to call my ‘friends’ have been left out. Then again, some ‘friends’ I’ve got. People who linger around long enough as long as you have a line or two in their fairytale lives.

I’m a loner, and I am actually okay with that. Call me antisocial, but if you constantly feel the need to surround yourself with people or to be ‘connected’ to others through social media, it just seems to me like you’re afraid of facing yourself. You’re afraid of the very thoughts that I’ve made my friends. You’re afraid of the emptiness that you’ve ignored for so long. You, and your constant need for validation and approval.

So I feel down more often than most. I get in touch with my emotions on a daily basis. I’m cynical about the good things that actually happen and I’m not enthusiastic about enough things but I go home everyday knowing what to expect. I am free in the places that matter. I am free of the likes of superficial relationships, at least, more than I have to beyond the obligatory smiles and greetings at work and school. I’m ahead of the curve.

You make friends. You hang out for a period of time because you’re in the same school or line of work. You get to know each other a little more than acquaintances do. You indulge in activities together and you feel a closeness to one another. You’re in a ‘clique’ and eventually you feel like you’re ready to open up to a bunch of people. Someday, you do, and all you have are people that you thought you knew silently judging you and drifting from you the moment they’re not obligated to communicate with you. Not all the time, but you know it to be true, more than pleasant.

People come and go, but thoughts, they stay.

Oh but color me cynical….ha.

And now, to validate myself, a quote by Albert Einstein:

“Be a loner. That gives you time to wonder, to search for the truth. Have holy curiosity. Make your life worth living.”


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