If ever.

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If ever I had a wish, or a power of sorts, I would wish for the gift of invisibility. For a long time now, I’ve taken a liking to that fantasy. The ability to be invisible at will and to be seen only when I choose to be.

Not very different from who I am – I hide most of myself from the world and even as I reveal the little bits and pieces of my true self to the people I believe to genuinely care, I still keep most of myself locked away in the cellar of my soul, together with the broken shards of my heart that I no longer bring out.

The world has had it’s way with me, and I’m broken. I have been, for a long time now. I have tried to fight the waves, to correct the misconceptions about myself and the things I have done but to no avail. They say that being ‘different’ is a gift, but how great can this gift be if you’re so different that you have problems finding another that could possible understand?

I want to stay clear of prying eyes. I want to hide away behind these walls and curl into a ball of safety. I want the whispers to stop, the incessant talking and the laughing and the plastic smiles that come as part of socializing. I’m tired of meeting people and having them make up their mind about me based on their assumptions, yet, a part of me still wishes that I could somehow, in some way, show them what I see and what I know and perhaps, who I really am behind the shadows.

Only I can’t step into the light. It is not where I belong. I lurk in the shadows, with all that don’t belong anywhere else, waiting. Waiting for a new dawn, a new day where the world would be a place that we can be free. To be free of the expectations of society and the judgmental eyes of the common folk. To once again, be myself, untainted and void of fear. To live like a child once more and to have..hope.

I’m tired. Tired of all the talking and debating. We’ve come too far. We’ve fallen off the edge. We’ve forgotten what it’s like to not have, to not know and to not be. They’re all part of the master plan. Victims of their own intentions. Some days I’d wish that I too could so easily be enticed into a life like such. To be ‘normal’ and feel, be and do what ‘normal’ people feel, are and do. Some nights I close my eyes and pray for silence.

I’m tired of people. They talk too much. They make me feel things about myself I don’t deserve to feel. They’ve successfully convinced me that this is not how a person should be. They’ve turned my world upside down, or rather, turned me upside down so I can see the world as they do. I can, but my head is in all the wrong places and as the pressure builds up from living upside down, I constantly feel like I’m about to implode.

I’m tired of swimming against the waves. Tired of trying to live a life that I was taught to live by society. Pretending is tough work, even after so many years. I cannot be one of them and it is not to say that I have not tried. I have, and I still do. I need to know that the world has a place for me. A purpose that is more  than fame and fortune. I’ve driven my social life into the gutter by revealing too much of myself in too little time. Acceptance, so I’ve learned, does not necessarily come with time, love or understanding. Either people do, or people don’t, and people are people. People fear that which they do not understand and fear manifests itself in rejection and/or aggression.

I am alone, yet not alone, and that is the problem. I take comfort in my dreams and so, away I go, into a world of my choosing, albeit only for a few hours a day. Goodnight, world.

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