Time check: 5am
I did not realise that I have been lying in bed for the past 3 hours. Wide-eyed and staring at that same spot on the ceiling, wondering if it had moved. At some point of time, i swore i saw it moved, creeping and inching away like a beetle.
The window was half-opened and the morning breeze was slightly rampaging the white silky curtains. The birds have begun to start chirping. Oh what sweet melodious sound of life! But there was no sunlight, no warmth.
And there was me, lying on the bed:
And I felt nothing.
I could hear nothing, nothing but the sound of death.
My body was hollow and I could not feel my arms and legs. I could feel this numbness spreading to the point of my fingertips. I was paralysed. Maybe, my heart even stopped beating for a second. Maybe. The only symphony I could hear were the slow, regulated sounds of my breath, simmering and waning off to the distance.
I closed my eyes.
I saw this vision of my life. I have had a pretty good life so far; one that is good enough for me to count my blessings everyday. Surrounded by a good family, friends, people who care for me and a life that is pretty much planned out for me, what more can i ask for?
Am I being too obnoxious? Why do I feel as if something is lacking and missing in my life? I can not pinpoint it out.
How do you know what is happiness if you do not feel sadness? How do you realise the feeling of success if you have not tasted failure? How do you realise you are alive if you have not witnessed death? How do you know the sweetness of ecstasy if you have not felt pain?
I believe that at some point of time, when life becomes mundane, we do need a spark, something to trigger your emotions and act as a reminder to remind you that you are alive, and be thankful that you are alive.
For the longest time, I never quite understood why people self-mutilate but that is because the pain acts as an immediate source of relief. And with that pain, it makes you feel alive.
Similarly, I admit to being attracted to trouble, to pain, to self-destruction. That feeling is similar to taking a roller coaster. Despite my fear of heights and the dropping sensation (it feels as if your heart is going to fall out) when the roller coaster gushes down, I enjoy it immensely. I am innately attracted to excitement and the feeling of sheer ecstasy (and pain) even if it is at the risk of causing my non-existent balls to shrink.
I smile, I laugh, I scream, I cry, I roll. in pain…..
but this is what keeps me alive.
I like being on an emotional roller-coaster. I like to feel mentally/physically tortured despite knowing that it is not good for you. I like being in toxic/dangerous/complicated relationships because the thrill makes you feel alive. And nothing feels sweeter to know that regardless the ending, all these turmoil of emotions you have felt in the process (the happiness and the pain) was amazing and is something worth remembering.
I am not going to deny that at this stage of life, I am going through something that is going to be undeniably and potentially difficult. I know that it is not going to be easy from the very start. Despite knowing that months down the road, you could potentially see yourself wrecked and your friends are going to tell you: “Look min, see what have i told you. You know what you are getting yourself into anyway? It’s not like we have not warned you.”
Yes I know. I am clearly aware of the consequences. And yet, I chose to make that decision. But that is because I know that at the end of the day, even despite the pain that I’ll have to go through, it is the process, the thrill and the fact that you have tried, that makes you feel alive.
And because, at the end of the day, we all need a little pain, to feel alive.