My term break ends today and school resumes tomorrow. It is no surprise that I am not excited, but the reasons are not the common ones that pollute the
lifeinvader facebook pages of my peers. Till date, I am still afraid of people and it is also no surprise that I am still constantly misunderstood by the people around me.
Every now and then I tell myself that It would be okay to be alone. To wander around campus going about my day just keeping to myself yet the part of me that has learned, over the years, how to be normal and how to act around people prods me into a direction I now wish to avoid. I socialize beyond my comfort level and I make acquaintances, exchanging superficial greetings and voices of concern. I am now at a place where I know and I feel that it should and would be entirely okay if I went at it alone. A point in time where I now know that people never stick around even if they tell you they do.
The people that were never meant to be in your life come and go with a few blinks of the eye and you’re ever so often left wondering why. It is tempting to, and you may have been told, to think that it is your own fault. It is common for people to tell others to take responsibility for everything that goes on in their life in order to have the power to change things but don’t. The moment you do that is the moment that you start blaming yourself for the people who were never there to begin with and that then, is the moment where you have left yourself. Then, there would really be no one left.
I wish I was strong enough to act as my heart wills or maybe, I just wish I had the ability to be invisible as and when I wanted to be. The stares and the hostility which apparently, no one else sees or notices, have long taken it’s toll on me. People are desensitized towards trauma over the years but not this. Not yet, at least, I don’t feel so. Everyday is a new day and every single day is a new battle. A new giant to face.
This is perhaps, partially at least, a consequence of growing up being blamed for acts that I did not commit, thoughts that were not my own and being judged (still am) for the person I am not but instead one that others perceive me to be. I am tired of hiding and running but I see no other options.
My greatest fear is not that I am destroyed by these people, but that I, someday, blend in so well that I eventually become one of them. That one day that they may prove successful in ‘normalizing’ me would be that day where I am no longer myself. i am seldom really myself on the outside these days. They’ll take my inner self too and there would be no sense in living, not as I do now. I would not be the same. It would not be my life.
I go through each day with the same questions stirring in my head. I question my every overt move and justify to myself that these are things that ‘normal’ people do. I pretend to be doing ‘normal’ things when I fail to control my urges and succumb to my uncanny desires.
I used to wish that I was ‘normal’. Now, I just wish that It was okay to be..me.