Today marks Day 9, (if you don’t know what is going on, read this!) and probably a turning point in this entire course of adventure. I was just going on how I have some serious abandonment issues in my previous e-mails because simply, so many people have walked in and out of my life in such crazy speed and left me seriously messed up.
It’s fine, I understand that certain things can never be changed overnight, especially so when you have been dealing with it all your life. But I really want to say that such is the nature of human interaction, people leave all the time. Someday, I will also choose to leave to pursue my own dreams but sometimes, human interaction does not have to be long and everlasting. The brilliance of human interaction is that we can both look back fondly at our shared memories even when we are no longer together. Such is true for our encounter, I know I will be telling others about you, about this special person who did something totally crazy and out of this world with me. This will always belong to the both of us and nothing can take it away.”
I was seriously upset after I read it because, like DUH, one does not simply say this kind of things when explicitly point out that I have an irrational fear of people leaving me. But more so, because I know that now we are a ticking time bomb that is about to explode in my face and leave me in miserable pieces and pathetically trying to clean up behind me and move along. I even thought it was naive or even selfish of him to think that it is always a mutually happy affair for both parties whenever a relationship ends. I even retorted and said that eventually, this memory of a special person would only belong to him while I will forever and always be trying to erase that entire event from my conscious being. Above all, I thought it was rather insulting and I refuse to be represented as a fictitious character to people as a representation of the crazy and interesting things that one has attempted in his lifespan. Or simply, I didn’t want to get myself into that position where my emotional well-being will be jeopardize once again.
And truthfully speaking, I started to back off.
Look, everyone knows the truth- people leave. I know it and I experienced it and so have all of you. But what I cannot stand is how leaving is being painted in such an airy-fairy, fairytale, grandmother bed-time story when in truth it is not. It is this messy, complicated affair where emotions and rational thoughts get mashed together and you don’t know one from another. It hurts and you feel like you just got shit thrown at you. You need time. You need space. And your thoughts torment you. You start to look at yourself, within you and figure out what is wrong that people keep leaving. You wonder why is it so easy for them to move on to a significantly happier life while you are still drowning in misery. And my biggest question up till now, still remains. How the hell do you not care? “Brilliance of human interaction”? It’s the bane of it all.
I can only blame myself. I put myself in this position and I need to learn how to handle it. But today it just dawned upon me how we always twist things into the most romantic way possible and believe that it is the best for both parties. But nope, Life really sucks and it’s none of those happy endings in disney movies or any movies at all.
Guess you really can’t have your cake and eat it too- I honestly wonder how the rest of the 31 days are going to turn out. 😦