I feel, inside of me, a hatred nurturing slowly. Memories of you nourish the hatred well. Really well. It’s growing rapidly and I sometimes fantasize about what would happen if it ever spun out of control.
My emotions would override my thoughts and my actions would speak for themselves. There would be no more room for witty repartee. There would be death and destruction.
I think of you and I let my thoughts wander to places we so often are too afraid to venture to. I explore the possibilities from every angle and the question that first hit me many years ago comes back. If I had to, could I, would I.. kill you?
perhaps by then, it would be out of my control. I would be helpless to my own rancid thoughts of you. I would embrace entropy and chaos would be my middle name – not that we typically have middle names where I come from but hey, if everything goes to shit, who really cares. In fact, who really cares anymore these days. We give ourselves fancy names that we pick for ourselves. It seems like, perhaps it really is so, that we are slaves to our own inner self.
A last ditch effort of our subconscious to save whatever is left, or worth, saving – of our self. I digress.
My behavior is erratic and my thoughts are unconventional. I don’t play well with others and I live as a reflection of the people I am surrounded by. My inability to forge lasting relationships is nothing new. What is new, however, is this seething hatred that is growing, bigger and bigger each day. This hatred radiates deep within my conscience, of which, I often question – if it even exists.
I feel guilt and sadness, at times. It is confusing because I feel sadness only when I put myself in your shoes. I don’t know.
You know how people are constantly lamenting about how they’re always surrounded by people yet seemingly, perpetually feeling alone? Well, it happens. It happens because the people that are closest to you are the ones you hold on to the tightest and so you hide your inner demons, as best you can. Could they, would they accept you if they knew?
The thought itself scares you. How could anyone? It’s easy to say. Easy to talk about forgiveness and acceptance but to actually do it? Now there’s a challenge.
Oh you vex me, you vex me, you vex me Adriel.