You tell yourself, “It’s the last time, it’ll be different now. It’ll be good, It’ll be okay.”, but you know it won’t be. You know it’ll be broken, like everything else you’ve gotten.
You know that you’d end up disappointed anyway so why set yourself up for it? Because in a world full of sane people who live by rationales that you could never hope to understand, you feel lonely, and alone. The people who once upon a time set footprints on your heart have walked on by and you’re back where you started, albeit with a heavier heart.
No one has prepared you for this. How could they? You were but a child.
You stumble along in life, exposed to the harsh realities. Slowly, but surely, discovering the only truth that you’ve ever known. You cannot be one of them, and you never will be. They love your persona. The shadow of a man that you’ve crafted meticulously. Yet, as much as you’re not like them, you share their weaknesses. You falter and fall and all it really takes is a split second glimpse into the person, or thing, that you are and that’s enough.
They walk. They steer clear.
The others, they say you’ve fallen into bad company. You know better. You threw yourself into the slums, just to see if the worse of them could and would accept you; the beggars and thieves, con men and brutes. They too reject you.
Sometimes you wonder if God understands you. He created you, therefore he must, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like he does. These little tests and trials are often too many notches above experimental and it comes across as sadistic at times, from certain angles.
You fantasize about living in a mental institution. Perhaps then, you wouldn’t feel as lonely or alone. The persona you have created desires the things that all the other people desire. A life, an education, a career, love and everything else that constitutes to a ‘normal’ life.
You have spent a long time pondering if these are the things you really want and have yet to find a suitable answer; An answer that you can live with. None has surfaced thus far and you’re, as always, lost in a sea of desires, carried to shore by the desires of others and sooner or later, end up chasing the same desires that everyone else covets.