All right. Short post. I’m pissed, and I’m high. Let’s go.
It’s that time of the year again, ladies and gentlemen. The time of year where the unspeakable monstrosity known as the haze comes back to haunt us and deny us of our humanity, and where people scream with unwavering fear and panic stricken thoughts flow across the board. Not in real life of course, but only possible within the realms of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. If I may perform a comparison, I was out at 10.30pm with a friend and we were checking our social feeds on our smartphones, and the contrast was amazing. On Facebook, we have peers speaking of the unspeakable haze, as if it was Voldemort in gaseous form while in real life, people were going about their normal lives; going home, working, having chats and whatnot. Haze? Sure, the building 200 meters out may seem a little blur, but it’s not game breaking. On the other hand; “OH LORDY LORDY, I CAN’T SEE THE BLOCK NEXT TO MINE, OH LORDY LORDY HELP ME. I WOULD SELL MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR A MASK AND OXYGEN. OH LORDY, WHERE’S MY OXYGEN?” I wish I could say I was joking, and well I am, but if the level of panic was pushed just a notch up, this would have been what we would have seen. The world’s ending, and Facebook is here to prove that.
Moving on now. Haze? WHAT HAZE? I kid you not in saying this. While half the country’s panicking about being exposed to dirty air particles, the other half are queuing up at MacDonald’s island wide for a Hello Kitty Plushie, in open air, for a doll the size of your hand. The only feasible reason for these people to be out solely for this reason is that it appears that levels of plushophilia are truly higher than originally expected. Really people? At least have a credible reason to queue up. “It’s ok guys, for this doll, I wouldn’t mind getting fatter from junk food, and breathing in all this air which I probably was complaining about an hour ago. We must have priorities, right?”
Lastly, it’s the apocalypse. Everywhere, people have suddenly had career changes to news reporters and anchormen, detailing the horrors of what has befallen us, telling us what we must do, and playing the role of the harbingers of dust. It is to this end that I have summarized the messages conveyed: “We are scared, we fear, but we must stay strong, we must persevere, we as a country will get through this crisis. Believe in ourselves, our neighbors, our leaders, and our country! MAJULAH!”
Go. Fuck. Yourselves.
If you don’t get anything I’ve written in this post, I’m sorry to say you’re one of them and would better off exist as a hair ball bouncing into a forest fire.