Grey matter

In another world, my inability to have a connection with another human being would an attractive trait. I would walk down the street comfortably with strangers just going about their business and nothing else.

There would be no anxiety and there would be silence; no obligation to have awkward travel conversation. I would think personal playlists would suffice.

No eye contact, definitely. No constant dilemma revolving around where to look, or where not to look. Everybody looks down, straight at the ground and that’s it. There is no standard defined way or method about acceptable social behavior in this situation or the next. I would not have the need to pretend to be interested in poster advertisements that I must have read (word by word) more than a dozen times already, in one sitting (standing).

You’ll make your way to wherever you have to go and I’ll do likewise. I do not have to pretend to be a friendly stranger, all smiles and no worries, and you don’t have to indulge me with your patronizing half (but mostly hypocritical) smiles.

When I close my eyes, the world comes to a standstill and I am plunged deep into a somewhat tranquil state of mind. As and when I do, I am able to reach for thoughts that one usually finds only in the darkest of dreams, in this world.

I will decipher the writing on the wall and take with me whatever I can get.

In my safe place, I am untouchable. Invulnerable in a world where I have created with my mind. As I tread happy, carrying inside of me a heart that finally belongs, I will have no difficulty embracing peace and perhaps even..real fulfillment.

You’ll know where to find me but, chances are, you wouldn’t be able to survive, much less live, in my world. You’ll crave for peer attention and already defined social norms that are obsolete here. My world is void of redundant social behavior and unnecessary customs.

It is neither colorful nor vibrant. I live in a world that is mostly grey. Nothing is set in stone and everything remains to be defined, except, it won’t and never will be. A world so full of variables and unknown. A world so chaotic, you’ll have trouble finding yourself, much less me.

To live, you will not only have to embrace chaos but thrive on it because this is the only resource that matters. There will be no value in material possessions, no significance attached to names of people who think of ways to have their names on your undergarments and attach them to ridiculous prices. No, we will not have any of that.

What will you have then, you’re wondering.
Nothing. Nothing for you. This world is mine
and mine only.

I’ll never have to run again.


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